A Year in Film: 1981
*ahem*
Interior – Studio
BISKEL: I hate you, Sebert.
SEBERT: I hate you, Biskel.
BISKEL: For legal reasons, these are jokes.
SEBERT: Have you seen Raiders of the Lost Ark yet?
BISKEL: No, I, for one, have more important things to do with my time.
SEBERT: You really should. It’s pretty good, I would say.
BISKEL: Yeah, you would say. You love Harrison Ford, and his movies are always schlock. Bad schlock.
SEBERT: That’s a godawful opinion, Biskel.
BISKEL: You’re a godawful man, Sebert.
SEBERT: Every piece of the movie is constructed like a fine work of art. No stone left unturned, no little portion of the movie is left out to dry. It’s all wet. Wet, wet cinema.
BISKEL: I thought you were a better metaphoricist than that. Wet cinema?
SEBERT: Spielberg leaves his trademark hopeful nostalgia all over the movie, and it is clear that we are dealing with a legitimate force of nature, and will be for the next couple decades. He’s here to stay, I think.
BISKEL: You said that about Lucas, and he hasn’t directed another movie since Star Wars.
SEBERT: Yes, but he’s been involved, Biskel. Your incompetence astounds me sometimes.
BISKEL: Yours astounds me far more frequently, Sebert.
SEBERT: The moment that made me cry the most was probably the moment the credits hit. It was then and there that I knew that I would never watch another movie like it.
BISKEL: Haven’t they made another one yet?
SEBERT: No. And there never will be another Raiders. It’s just too special of a movie to miss.
BISKEL: Well I missed it.
SEBERT: Yes, and you will suffer the consequences. Do you want to talk about Das Boot now, you pretentious hack?
BISKEL: Actually, Sebert, I do! Das Boot was the best movie I saw this year. Bar none.
SEBERT: That’s just because you didn’t see Raiders.
BISKEL: I will ignore you. Das Boot is a wrenching tale of the consequences of war wreaked upon those who’ve fought in it. It’s perhaps the best German film ever made. The only three tears I’ve ever cried as an adult were at the end of this movie. Quote me on that.
SEBERT: I will agree with you this time, Biskel. Das Boot is a four out of four star movie for me. Even though I can’t speak German, this movie spoke to me. On a deep, personal level.
BISKEL: This is a masterclass in never letting the curtain of tension and emotion open. Never letting the characters have a moment’s happiness, and by extension, stringing the audience along for the worst roller coaster ride they’ve ever had.
SEBERT: For once, I totally agree with you Biskel. It doesn’t happen often. Cherish it.
BISKEL: I also saw The Cannonball Run. It was fantastic.
SEBERT: And just like that, my agreement, gone.
BISKEL: Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad. Burt Reynolds was actually pretty good in it.
SEBERT: Is that the only positive?
BISKEL: No, there’s a lot more to love about this movie than is immediately clear at first glance.
SEBERT: See, I think Cannonball Run is one of those rare movies where you don’t need a repeat viewing. Heck, you don’t even need a first viewing. It’s dumb and stupid and I don’t like it.
BISKEL: That is your opinion, and I respect your right to express it. However, I disagree. There’s something punishingly relevant about Cannonball Run, like it’s distilling every single aspect of the current zeitgeist, freezing it into a block of ice, and beating you about the head and neck with it. It’s not subtle whatsoever, and I think that actually works to its advantage.
SEBERT: Are you telling me, Biskel, that movies don’t have to be good?
BISKEL: I never said that, Sebert. You are twisting my words and using them against me.
SEBERT: You’re showing too much of your own personal bias, Biskel.
BISKEL: Movie reviews are all about personal bias, Sebert. Yours definitely are. You are the pot calling the kettle black.
SEBERT: At least I will keep my respected reputation as a film critic.
BISKEL: What’s the next movie on the docket?
SEBERT: An American Werewolf In London.
BISKEL: Ah yes. True quality.
SEBERT: I mean, this year, with Scanners and American Werewolf, we’ve seen a revolution in practical special effects, and the werewolf transformation scene is perhaps the most godawful thing I’ve ever watched. In a good way, of course.
BISKEL: I hate to agree with you, but American Werewolf is pretty good.
SEBERT: Who would have thought that the guy behind Animal House and Blues Brothers would make this his next film?
BISKEL: Not me, Sebert. And, unfortunately, that’s all the time we have today. Thanks for joining us. We’ll be back soon.
SEBERT: Have a good winter.
Transmission Ends